What Would You Change?

Most of us reach the question at some point, what would you change if you could go back and do it all reliving a time that you loved, maybe loving someone different than you chose, or maybe taking a more serious approach to following your dream instead of the life you ended up going through. We have all had those moments that we mumble under our breath, “If I could only do it again and make it right”. Maybe it was a grass is greener moment where you knew you made the wrong choice and followed the wrong fork. These moments would be great to explore and do over again, but only if you could twilight zone it so that you could retain the things you wanted to keep, only changing those things we were hesitant about. My laundry list of things is long of those times I wished I would have zigged when I zagged. A couple of events happened over the weekend that not only made me think I wished I could go back and do it, but I also had the thought that I’m still a reasonably young man and nothing is stopping me from doing anything but myself at this age.

Throughout my career and life, is it weird to tie the two together? For me, so much of what I did for work, also made me who I was in life. Sad? Maybe, but if you think about it, I bet it is true of all of us. My work ethic application could have made me successful in any arena. Speaking of arena, my first serious thought about what I wanted to become was to be a performer. Acting might have been a part of it, but really, I was meant to be a singer. Not just any singer though, it would have been 100% as a rock star. I know and stop laughing, I was a damn good singer. You can’t tell me you haven’t picked up the hair brush and belted out along with your band playing on the record player. For those of you too young, that is a grooved vinyl disk about 12 inches in diameter that you played by laying a needle connected to a device that transferred the undulations on the vinyl into air moving glorious sound that could be felt along with hearing it. Singing at the top of my lungs to “Juke Box Hero” or “Welcome to My Nightmare” still brings joy just remembering how I felt. I felt music, my soul needed it like a drug and somewhere along the way I lost that feeling. The burning desire to be on stage making women cry tears of joy and men screaming they wanted to be me! Maybe it was good that the flame was extinguished, no one can really say that there isn’t an ounce of regret in there somewhere. That opportunity is more than likely gone for good and I’m sure it is a good thing.

I wanted to play pro football. I was a tight end in middle school and high school. I was selected to the All-State team my last two years. Now five bucks and that might buy me a coffee, but it was important at the time. If you were an athlete or even a band member, maybe you were a scholar athlete or played chess for a school club. Sang in a choir, or excelled in auto hobby shop. It just doesn’t matter; they were all important and meant the world to us at the time. There is still a touch of pride when I pull my letter jacket out look at it. Yes, I still have it along with a couple of my football jerseys. I look a them and memories flood back in for the great catches I made and the touchdowns I scored. I even had me a happy dance after scoring. I knew when recruiters were in the stands and I also knew I had to be my best in those games. Still, no major offers came about from big colleges and my dream was shattered before it had a chance to get going. But I know I left a mark, even if it might have been a bad one. We were playing Lyons High School in a Quarter Finals game in the state playoffs. It was my junior year and I was the second ranked receiver in the state for receptions and yards. Most of the game I was double teamed and in the first half I was pretty much the decoy for our quarterback to have other receivers to throw to. At halftime the opposing coach must have thought things were under control, so they backed off of me. I recognized it and told the quarterback I was open most any play and that he should start throwing it my way. On the very next drive, I caught five passes on a drive for a touchdown. This continued on with us closing the gap in the score. At one point in the fourth quarter, I dove for a ball that was a little out of my reach on the sideline. As I was standing up, there was the opposing coach yelling something at me with drool coming out of his mouth. Me being me, which means I can be a smartass at times, I smiled and told him he needed a mint and that it was just a game and my next reception would be for him. The veins popped in his neck and I’m sure he wanted to grab me by the neck for a few minutes. Well, a couple of plays later, we ran the same play, this time catching the ball and as I slide out of bounds, I came up and flipped the ball to him, laughed and turned back away from him. Jump ahead twenty something years, my boys are playing high school football for a coach that was a son to the coach I had my encounter with. I saw the old coach from Lyons watching practice, so I struck up a conversation with him, knowing he had no memory of me. Well, I thought that anyway. At some point, I asked when he retired and told him that I had played against him. Asking who I was, I put my hand out and said Buddy Wilson. The handshake never happened, he looked me straight in the eyes, realizing I wasn’t the skinny receiver from high school, and he merely turned around and walked away from me. I laughed and thought nothing has changed, he’s an asshole and I’m a smartass. But I can honestly say I was an impact player as funny as that might be, but sadly not college or pro level.

What I really think about these days are the plans I had for retirement that I’ve yet to approach. As a matter of fact, I haven’t even given them much thought as I just don’t have the time for working. I would like to do the charity work we thought about, but work seems to elude me and I know why. I really can’t stand the thought of having a schedule. I actually get a knot in my gut when I think about it. I don’t have the technical expertise to do a lot of work these days. I don’t have a college degree, but I have a lot of experience that for some reason I feel no one would want. I could keep it simple and go to work for a nursery or something mindless compared to the work I’ve done before. I don’t mean that to sound wrong, because there are very skilled people in nurseries that dive into their work and learn the business, all the facts about plants, etc. I just want to water flowers and bullshit with customers. Does that job exist, because I’d do it for minimum wage and enjoy the hell out of it? During a conversation with a good friend over the weekend while having beers, maybe the beers had some influence judging by the trash full of bottles, I was learning more about what he does and I was fascinated at the money offered in sales. This is something I actually learned before with my son-in-law. Not feeling I know anything about sales, it is a fleeting thought, but something came up in the conversation that I had forgot about. JD and I once talked about creating a teaching platform that would be designed and tailored to fit a company’s offerings in a 401K plan. There are other companies doing similar work, but their angle is be the financial manager for the employee, we instead wanted to arm individuals to do it for themselves. Most people are at a loss when it comes to managing their retirement plan, and are generally handcuffed by a lack of knowledge and fear of losing something they worked for. Risk is risky when you don’t know what you’re doing. It would be a platform that just outlines the risk, gives them the tools and an understanding of how to use them. This would in turn provide a more knowledgeable employee secure in thought that they could actually manage to retire someday. I could still do this, I am the only one standing in my way along with the fear that no one would take me seriously because I don’t have the college degree or financial management background outside of the success, I accomplished for myself, on my own.

What future lies before me? What will I do? Will I continue to be fearful of what others think of me or simply move forward and do what I think would be life changing for so many others and just maybe for myself? I don’t know, the problem is I’m going to sleep well tonight no matter the choice I make. Sometimes, I wish that I had that thing, the thing others appear to have. Not what they have physically, but the mental drive to move forward regardless of their self-doubts. The old I can do whatever anyone else does and be damned what someone thinks about them. I want that gene; I think I would be happier than I already am if I could just take the step through the door and change my life. I preached this very thing to people that worked for me and to my kids. Yet, here I sit wishing I had myself talking to me encouraging me every step as I go though the door on a new adventure. If only!