Pain

I was thinking the last couple of mornings, when was the last time I had no pain? Would it ever be possible that it isn’t something I wake with, take a first step with, bend with, reach with, and even sit with? It has become such a pervasive aspect of my life that, at times, I forget about it and jut do what I need to do. I’ve gotten to a place where when I face something I know I can do, and at a younger time in my life, I wouldn’t have thought about doing things. Today, anything and everything I face, I run through a scenario of whether I can do something without days of pain. I plan everything I do with the thought of how many days do I have to do nothing to recover. Pain seems to be at the forefront of my life and I’m growing weary of the hold it has on me. I’m not someone that people have to worry about me, it just would never be something I would give into with the ultimate pain reliever. But I certainly understand how pain can grind on you day in and day out, and how some people dealing with levels higher in pain can make decisions that many of us could never understand how they got there. It never goes away; it is in every decision I make and in recent years has cost me a fortune giving in to someone else doing what I can’t. I’m in pain, not excruciating pain that drops you to the floor, I’m talking about a relentless pain of a level four or five constantly there and only subdued due to chemical means. At least now, I take a relatively low level of pain medication and muscle relaxer, but the fact that they are in my morning and nighttime pills. Occasionally, I have to utilize modern science in the middle of the day, but for the most part, I take them to get started in the morning and to allow me to sleep through the night. Will there ever be a day I can be independent of my daily drug-induced pain override? I refuse to give up hope for that day, but I also am known for being a realist, and more so the truth will be increased dosage and frequency. Sadly, I’ve lost control of this aspect of my life.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have a peek at our future when we are sixteen and make decisions about our life that might change the course of life? Would we change anything simply knowing or would we have to have a sample week of experience prior to making our decision to proceed? In my case, I doubt I would have listened as I was about as hard-headed as they come at that age. I would have rationalized some reason for every decision I made along the way, but what a great thing it would have been to know how things could be one way and that changing a decision here and there, we might have a different senior style of life. I’m working at losing weight as I know that it will help, but certainly won’t resolve damage already done. However, it will make doing things a little easier and aid in the process of dealing with pain. I’m doing well with this as I’ve lost thirty pounds in two months. Certainly, more to go, but I’m taking it slow and adjusting lifestyle in the process so that there might be a level of sustainability. I really only will talk to two people about this, my dad and wife, but I don’t mind sharing thoughts about pain and my course of action to find some relief. My morning ritual with Lucy’s morning potty time is to stretch my back and legs. It is having some impact and in time will help my flexibility and with some effort my stamina throughout the day. I have no illusion that I will heal, it just isn’t in the cards, but I hope in time as I reach a year and then two years from my most recent surgery, that I will be at some level better than now.

Of course, as with any aging person, our health isn’t about just one thing. Pain is just the constant reminder, but breathing without congestion, sleeping the entire night through, and many other aspects of life are just as important to address and care for.

Heck, I’m even thinking about other mitigation issues such as having the doctor provide the form to eliminant me from having to attend jury duty every other year. I used to dream of serving on a jury for some big murder trial and having to listen to all the facts and weigh a decision on guilt or innocence. I still would like to do that, but the overwhelming thought of the pain I would have to endure sitting in the jury box for days makes me feel I would miss something consequential due to thinking about how long before the next break and when I can take another pain pill. It wouldn’t be fair to the process of justice as I would be making a possible decision based on my personal need to be somewhere else. If I had known about this form and the simple method of elimination from the process, I might have done it over ten years ago. I suspect Jen will follow. In Texas, once you reach seventy, you don’t have to serve on jury duty, so this is a temporary measure for the years left before turning that age that I really don’t want to think about turning.

I think of everything I like to do, and they all come with some level of induction of pain. Even sleep can be painful if not on my own bed. Travel is becoming less and less fun as pain starts in the morning from uncomfortable beds and airplane and car rides. Flying has the added pain of cost, but that’s mental anguish and not physical pain. However, the whole process of two-hour ride to the airport, lines to get through TSA, miserable seats in the terminal, even worse seating on an airplane, dealing with luggage, rental cars or rides in compact vehicles, all contribute to I would rather stay home and have people come visit me. The car isn’t any better, twelve-hour days of driving, numerous stops to walk and relieve ourselves, hotel beds, restaurant seating, and the same issues wherever we go on the other end. Again, staying home looks better every time I think about travelling. Outside of National Parks, there are very few things I feel a need to see or experience. I’m certainly happy seeing places on tv or computers and feel the need to see with my eyes, has become less desire.

Maybe things will change over time for the better. I do understand when someone elderly refers to doing things as being a pain. They may not be talking about actual pain but am certain that it is part of the overall statement. Things are harder and every sense of being harder is from the act of doing it to the feeling of enjoyment derived from it. Jen and I look forward to the future, but we have different ideas of what we see it to be. Mine is controlled, in part, by what I have to deal with, hers is just accomplishing what her heart desires. Neither is wrong, and neither controls the other, it just determines the level of joy that comes without activity. Someone will always have some level of disappointment, and it isn’t either of our faults. It’s just life I suppose and as we get older life forms a different opinion of sorts.

Pain! I’m tired of it, we’re tired of it. It isn’t an exclusive experience. Routine massages don’t seem to help too much but does give us an hour monthly of self-pampering. I think Jen may have hit on what we should be doing and instead of the deep tissue massage we have always gotten, we should just get soothing and almost relaxing massages that let us feel healed for the moment, as or massage therapist says, through the power of touch. We used the hot tub this week for the first time in a while and it felt great. Admittedly though, the pool has been under repair due to the length of time it took the maintenance guys to work through the process. We’ll have to work the pool more into the daily life schedule without a doubt. There are other activities we see being relaxing and we need to indulge in those too. I guess what I’ll keep doing mostly is waking every morning and making the best of every day knowing I have to deal with my own body resisting everything I want to do. I don’t like you pain, and I want you to go away. What I would give for just one week of doing whatever I want and not have that painful reminder of whether I should or shouldn’t.