Motivation, When All I Want is a Break!

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself to get things done. Things that I have committed to doing myself instead of hiring a contractor. Things that Jen wants done, but I can’t seem to put enough focus on to make her happy. It doesn’t help that I feel it is for show and I don’t like the feeling of showing off. That’s not to say I don’t mind showing people the things we love for ourselves. I have no doubt that is all it is to Jen, she just wants to share what has made her happy and in some cases has been waiting a lifetime to have. I still have been thinking about why and like so many other things, until I get my head around it, I struggle with motivating myself. The other problem for me is fighting my anxiety of my health. Up until three or four weeks ago, I was really starting to worry about how I was feeling. The thought of going to Tahoe, for instance, was scaring the hell out of me with the idea of the elevation and the inability to breath. Add the new stress of not breathing at all if I was physically exerting myself doing something like carrying a partially filled bucket of cement. Anxiety was turning to scared. On top of these things, Jen was worrying and her continuous readings of some kind of impending doom and her natural thought that it could only mean one thing, something was going to happen to me. I, of course, in my doubt of such things, felt she was projecting bad energy and getting it back in full confirmation that her world was about to turn upside down. In my head I was screaming arghhhhh!!

Was my constant feedback of how I felt to much? I had vowed not to bottle up emotion and worry, but instead bounce things of her and hope for a rationalization to ease my dread. But things had changed and instead of her confidence building, I was being torn down, not by her but by myself. Nothing intentional on her part as she was becoming just as worried as I was since these changes had come on so fast and I was responsible for setting the stage for her worry. All of sudden I’m falling apart, and everything I would do with medical professionals would tell me otherwise. Blood work good, x-ray’s good, CT scan of lungs and sinuses both good. Then what the hell is going on. Well, what I’m beginning to understand is that the power of the mind can lead you down a path less than ideal and challenge you to feel your old chipper self as you get older with realizations of not being able to really be your old chipper self. I think some of this is in my head and it isn’t helping that my half-full glass is being shaken and spilt to the half-empty side.

Okay, after getting steroids for my shoulder and realizing that my breathing issues were instantly gone, I realize that something was going on, but it wasn’t major. I obviously had inflammation in my sinuses. One of things I really love about our physician is that she keeps things simple. Let’s get you on a steroid inhaler and see how you respond. Problem solved, but is it? I still don’t have much motivation and am wondering if there is yet another pill that could give me a little of it back. I wonder with the daily I-must-work-outside-on-this-place now in it’s third year, that maybe this is just burn out. I need a break. I need to go to Hawaii and accomplish nothing outside of pure pleasure indulgence. We have so many projects going on that I can’t keep my mind focused enough to do one and get it done. I have three or four of them in some level of completion, but none of them done. How do I force myself to move forward and get past this feeling of self-dread? Would I feel better about a contractor just taking care of it for me? I know I enjoy the end result, but I hate the labor cost. Things I know I can do and probably do better in some cases. I need to quit being cheap on one hand and on the other spending money like we have a bottomless bucket of it. I just want it all done. And that is when the other thought creeps in, just like right now, I’ll get it all done and then not be able to enjoy it. What the hell is wrong with me? I know we all do this, but why? Could it all be coming back to that other thing that just won’t seem to leave me alone, the desire to be working. Why did I decide that I don’t need to working? All my life I had the dream of finding that thing that would make me a success on my own following retirement. Is all of this really that simple? Do I need to find the outlet of money generation to make me feel good again? What is stopping me? Schedules, success, failure, supervision, or just having to be somewhere other than where I really want to be. That answer is simple for me, doing exactly what I’m doing right now, writing! I guess I’d have to take the money aspect out of it and just release emotion on the page and let my mind wonder to places I really would like to explore. Endless hours of creativity. It makes me feel good!

I know I’m unpacking a lot of things that are on my mind, constantly!! And like an octopus, I seem to have arms running in eight different directions. How does an octopus do it? How does it know that arm seven is on track and at the same time know it has to adjust arm two for balance? How do I balance work, projects, Jen’s needs. my needs and also use things like the pool, the fire pit, my future shop and stay on top of it all. I used to be so good at that very thing, staying on top of my life and everything around me. In four short years I have gotten out practice and my biggest decision now is whether to put plant grass or mow it. Is there a reset button on life? If so, would someone tell me where mine is located so that I can get on with things.