Losing My Mom

It’s been a few weeks and I’m starting to have feelings of loss. For so long, I only had the feeling of dreed in how would we care for Mom along with the frustration that it felt Mom wasn’t doing what she could to help herself or us. I have some guilt that I wasn’t totally knowing of the pain or hopelessness that Mom must have been feeling. I certainly don’t have a frame of reference about the arthritis and how much that was debilitating for her. All I can say is I’m glad pain isn’t an issue anymore and my flipside feeling is how much respect I have for Mom in the strength she exhibited in the final days.

When we were in the room with Mom when the doctor said there was nothing they could do and that Hospice was the best solution to care, Mom knew instantly it was a death sentence. After a brief cry, she had just a couple of things to say, please take care of Dad and she didn’t want to take the pills nor use any breathing apparatus. She actually became happy that she would be guilt free in what she could eat and she would just enjoy her final time with family and friends at her side. My brother-in-law, Jason, brought her shakes the last two mornings and although she couldn’t finish or barely even sample, she enjoyed it for the same love we all love shakes and ice cream, but I have to believe it tasted just a little sweeter and went down a little smoother than any of us are capable of experiencing unless you were knowing it was your last one. She was able to have all six of her grandkids talk to her a final time and say how much she meant to them all, including Cortney telling her that the baby was a boy or girl. I still don’t know at the time of this writing. Jenis, Mom’s lifelong friend, was also able to see her and talk to Mom. By the time she was able to arrive, Mom wasn’t able to speak, but she was able to breath heavier and try to mouth words to Jenis. Jenis felt she got there too late, but I’m pretty sure it was the other way, in that, she got there just in time. It literally was just a few hours later that Mom passed.

My Dad has been the example of what true love really means. When he retired, they sold there home in Colorado and moved to Texas to be near both my grandmothers and it wasn’t too long later that they felt they had to move Maw in with them. So, it began, Dad’s second career in taking care of elderly women. In talking to him, he does have regrets retiring and never getting to travel and see America, a dream both Mom and Dad had. By the time Maw passed and they had some time to do it, but they didn’t have the resources. This was followed by Mom working until she was in her mid-seventies and her health declining rapidly. Health is what ultimately forced Mom to finally retire, but by then there was absolutely no hope since Sandra had married Jason and moved out of the house leaving Dad to really care for Mom almost solo and we hadn’t made the decision to move. I want to encourage Dad to do some travelling, but for now he has to get spending and debt under a little better control. Jen and I expect that he will go with us to a few places, so we have to make sure he goes to places he had only dreamed possible.

Mom’s final days were so expedient that it didn’t allow for anything more than a scramble of emotions. I had the one thought in that I was going to be there for the duration. Years before, I had watched Jen commit to not leaving her Dad’s side until he passed and she was so grateful for the experience, and then watching her feeling of dread in not being there at her Mom’s side. I decided a long time ago that I would be there in the end for both my parents if I could. By the time Mom was in her last hours, her breathing was very hard for Dad to sit and listen too as it certainly was a struggle for Mom to breath. I convinced everyone to go ahead and go home and that I would call if something changed. Even I didn’t expect the end to come as fast as it did. When the room was cleared, the nurse came in and was able to turn her in a way that allowed for them to clear her lungs of the congestion that had been building all day long. Her breathing instantly was easing and could tell her body was relaxing. Jen always says that once everyone is gone, those about to pass allow themselves to finally let go and not fight death any longer. She was facing me and breathing smoother which also let me relax a little bit more. I began speaking to Mom just as conversational as any other time in our lives and I decided that maybe a movie would be good for us, so I put Prince of Persia on. It wasn’t long before Erica called and we were talking about Mom, Erica’s day at work, and other things, but in the last couple of minutes I don’t think I heard anything she was saying. Mom’s breathing had eased to a point where she was only taking a breath every fifteen seconds or so increasing to twenty seconds and then thirty seconds plus. I finally told Erica I had to let her go as Mom’s breathing had slowed and I didn’t think there would be much more time. I grabbed Mom’s hand, told her I loved her under my breath and then she took one final breath. I said a prayer out loud asking God to take her home and to have Maw take her there. A lot of time you feel a presence of loved ones past in the room, but I felt alone and allowed myself to selfishly experience it for a few minutes before notifying the staff at Hospice. I remained with Mom and helped bath her and hand her over to the funeral home transport service assuring them that they had to treat her well. For the next week I kept feeling I would feel some sense of loss, but it is now two weeks later and I’m just starting to feel it. I think it always starts coming when you want to text, phone, or turn and say something to them and you realize you can’t. I have no doubt Mom knows how much I loved her, but she also knew how much I was frustrated in the level of care it was taking for her and how hard that was on all of us. I feel that selfish guilt that my feelings were more important than hers and the pain in life she was experiencing. The knowingness that in death any feelings of regret are gone for those passing, but for us left, we still feel we didn’t do enough and guilt for the complaining we did. I am truly sorry for those feelings. I do miss my Mom and I regret not being able to say the things I wanted but I know she knows now and I think because of the amount of time she was in the hospital that it also lends to the delayed time in feeling loss. I am thankful Dad is relieved of the care responsibilities he has had so long, but knowing Dad, I think he would trade that freedom for a few minutes more with Mom. I am committed to the care of Dad and I now understand how important it was that we moved to Texas. I have lost my Mom and won’t have her again to share a laugh with, argue about differences of opinion, or even help Dad to clean her up after an unforeseen accident. I loved my Mom and her passing is my loss.