Failed Memory or Lack of Attention?

For the last couple of years, I have noticed that my driving skills have degraded somewhat. Heck, everything about me has degraded to some degree. As we all say as we are getting older, “It sucks getting old”. It does really suck because my mind is as clear as ever except that I can’t remember things right when I want too. You know, like when you are telling a story about dogs and you can’t remember the word dog, so you call it the furry thing we like to have as pets. This happens to me mostly when I’m excited to tell a story and in my levity, my mind starts into scramble mode for some unknown self-protect security reason. I limp cause I hurt my toe not wearing socks and got a blister the size of Uranus on top of the big toe. This blister then caused a blister on the underside of the big toe because I was positioning it different in my shoe, which lead to the small blister on the ball of the foot. I think the next step is a walking boot to protect myself from the self-protect mode my body feels is the best. Physically, I’ve declined due to my back and two surgeries to make it all better. Yeah right! Jen tells me it is because I don’t give myself adequate time to heal, but geez, I don’t have two years to lounge around waiting on my back to say, “I’m ready, does as you wish!”. The body is certainly aggravating and as an athlete most of my life, even during the times of heavier weight, I still was active and doing most anything I wanted. Now, I’m on an inhaler because I smoked for too many years, back surgeries were surely caused by football and basketball, my knee replacement from walking eight miles a day, my shoulders from lifting things heavier than I should have ever lifted, but my mind, it is the one constant that has stayed sharp and knowing. That is until the last two years or so. Sometimes, I wonder if I did get Covid and or am suffering from Covid brain? All I know is that my recall is not what it was, and I struggle to stay focused on tasks at hand.

Due to my brain malfunction over the last couple of years and for Jen too, we both started doing things that were supposed to improve you mind. Jen actually started way before me as she has worried about Alzheimer’s being hereditary and without knowing whether she will have it or not, she began doing little mind exercises. I laughed early on because I thought she was just suffering from paranoia, but for the last two years, I wished that I had started doing these exercises when she started. No doubt she was right to begin doing them. If you were listening to some of our conversations, you’d hear a lot of unfinished sentences and the dropping of a word or two cause we can’t remember what the word is. My exercises include a daily sudoku puzzle, a game called Royal Match, and writing. Writing was an idea I had because I was forgetting words, but when I’m writing I seem to remember the words readily and with ease. My problem is that I just need to do more and more of it. I’ve been kicking around the idea of writing a book, and it really sounds like a cool thing to do. The problem is, it also seems like it would be a job, and something kicks in on me that is adamantly opposed to working or doing anything that resembles it. Funny thing is, I really liked working when I was, and I enjoyed most aspects of it. Really, the thing that made me retire was that I didn’t want to learn and keep up with the technology anymore. But something about writing, aside from the memory agility exercise of it, is that there is something really cool about answering someone’s question of what do I do and saying I’m a writer. Maybe it is the fact that I have never been known for creativity and this allows me to be a creator or an artist of sorts.

But my mind and driving, I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that I do things driving that were never even possible before. I seem to get myself into a lot of blind spot issues and lane changes. Sometimes it can be backing up and not seeing someone, but the backup cameras help with that. However, in my truck, I have no such luxury item as a camera. The thing about driving my truck though is that it is near 9000 pounds and due to the shear weight of stopping, the size, etc. I’m seemingly more aware of my surroundings. In the Mini, we are so small that I am aware because I don’t want to get run over, but in the family car and certainly the minivan we rented for the trip to LA, I’m a blind spot accident waiting to happen, which is exactly what happened on the border of Arizona and California. I was in the wrong lane, and I realized it too late and was coming up a line of big trucks that use their shifting to slow down and not their brakes until the last moment. Realizing I might not be able to stop in time, I looked in my side mirror and saw a truck a length behind in the lane to the left, so I turned the blinker on and darted into that lane only to hear a horn and see a white SUV slamming on its brakes. I thought I heard the chirp of a siren, but it didn’t continue, so I proceeded through the agriculture checkpoint. But at some point, before reaching the person to wave us on, I realized it was a deputy sheriff. Well, as we both cleared the checkpoint, on went his lights and he gave me another chirp of the siren. Busted for being old and absent minded. I have to say, every time I have been stopped for a violation, I have known exactly what I did, this time being no different, but the thing that irritates me is attitude and the question, “Do you know why I stopped you?”. Well duh, dumb shit, of course I do, and I certainly got asked the question this time. But he came without attitude, and more was just matter of fact and followed the first question with did you not see me? No sir, I did not, saw the car behind you but didn’t see you. You must have been in my blind spot, which he readily agreed he knew he was. After a few questions that we were in a rental and he needed my license and rental agreement, he just began checking to see if I was some hardened criminal with a warrant for my arrest. Why is it, in moments of mild stress, you can’t find a damn thing on your phone that you know is there because you put it in a place of storage to easily recall it if needed? I even flagged it and couldn’t find it. I don’t know if it was the 110-degree heat, that I was veteran from the indication on my license, or the simple fact I opened with an apology and was not avoiding my impending ticket, but after finding out that I had a clear record, he avoided all of the paperwork and gave me a pat on the arm and a smile and said, “be careful and enjoy your vacation”.  I was so relieved and embarrassed at the same time. I made sure and am still making dang sure I look twice before changing lanes. I’m eating dill pickle sunflower seeds like they are going out of style as they seem to help keeping me alert.  Which is another thing, why am I so tired all of the time? Oh well, I didn’t hit him, I had my blinker on, but I’m sure it would have been a ticket for something like failure to look or improper lane change. I do appreciate his decision and a chance to redeem myself on the rest of the trip. One thing is for sure, it added to the memorable trip we were all having and woke all of us up until we got to my daughters house. I pretty much had a major letdown at that point and could only think about having a beer. What no beer? Just my luck, I’ll have water please!