Angry Dreams
A few weeks ago, from out of the blue, I contracted double pneumonia. No lead in symptoms other than maybe a little drainage, but I went from feeling pretty good to cold chills in an hours’ time. The next day, I had a teledoc appointment and was prescribed an antibiotic for a possible sinus infection. Took one pill and two hours later was coughing up blood and had intense pain in my ribcage and stomach. And off to the emergency room we went. Having a nurse as a wife can be a little frustrating as she generally runs though all the scenarios that are possible and seemingly locking in on the worst of the outcomes as my future. Well, in this case it was probably good as I had pneumonia in both lungs. A IV bag of antibiotic and then hours later, we were sent home with two more antibiotics to take for the next seven days. Long story short, everything is improving, but side effects are starting to get annoying. Stomach cramps that come from nowhere and disappear just as fast. But sleeping, man am I dreaming and I seem to be carrying out my frustration and anger on unknown people in my dreams. I’ve gotten into three fights over the last two weeks with these stranger and have become rather active in my aggression by kicking and throwing punches. Jen has had to wake me each time in self-defense, so I don’t connect one of my throws with her or Lucy.
It’s true I have a ton of things on my mind lately. Between healing, the federal government and their ill-advised Gestapo tactics by the want to be tyrant and chief, to working out a whole bunch of business-related financials, to a living trust development and LLC formation and the many tasks that are lining up as must-dos in a certain order and purpose. The only real good thing about all of it is Jen and I are having some good discussions about the direction we need to take in the various pathways we are maintaining. In other words, I’m fighting constantly to move forward and stay positive about hurdles we are having to take on and clear before the next obstacle presents itself.
I’ve often wondered what to our dreams mean and why do we dream the things we do in the specific moments of our lives? And why did I not dream for many years in the middle of my life and then all of sudden start dreaming again in technicolor and surround sound? For many years I always dreamed of being chased and narrowly always getting away. I would bring characters I knew into my dreams to assist me in my avoidance from people I have never known. One such dream, many years ago, I was running through an overturned subway car, being chased, to end up having my grandmother skid a motorcycle up in front of me, I jump on, and we start burning through the gears. That’s when I got woken from my dream by my ex-wife and was told I was making a loud noise like an engine shifting through gears. I’ve dreamed of snakes surrounding me and not knowing whether they were venomous or not, which really didn’t matter because I can’t stand snakes and am generally creeped out by them. But most of my life, when dreaming, I’ve been chased. I sort of understand that in my conscience world, I was always chasing after something, generally with some goal in mind and some deadline looming large. But lately, I’m fighting for my life. Sometimes it has been against a single person, but the latest was against five or six together. I was kicking and swinging just trying to contact someone.
Anxiety? Fear? Overwhelmed? Who the heck knows, I just feel it might be a reflection of me wanting to succeed in creating a business related venture for us, but something inside my retired brain fighting back and saying no, we like our life just the way it is. Hopefully, my health will continue to improve, and I’ll get clear of the struggle in making this thing I call a business to work but not wanting to run a business. Maybe I need to come up with a name for it that makes more sense and is more appeasing to my inner psyche. Trips coming up we can’t back out of, no projects to occupy space and time, but still feeling there are a hundred things not getting done every day and I fight to not fall behind. But fall behind of what? That is the real question as I really don’t have to do anything at all. I could just sit back and enjoy things, but I’m pretty sure I would develop some other angst with that.
Maybe its simpler than that, in that I just need to figure out what it is I want to be and do when I grow up. I’ve always been envious of those that could focus on what was important and systematically attack it as if it was an opposition in a sporting event. Should I approach it with a simple mentality of wanting to win? But win what? A clear mind might be the answer and could be the ticket to freeing space in my head free of all those roadblocks that I put up before me. I do think it would be nice to not have ten thousand things pass through my brain every hour and having to squirrel with every thought. Heck, using an analogy of squirreling isn’t fair to my squirrels around our place. They are laser-focused on eating every hickory nut and pecan they can find or have stashed for the winter. In other words, my squirrels don’t squirrel.
Why can’t I have a happy dream? One filled with joy and love. A long walk in the forest with fall leaves and Lucy running around happy to be alive and Jen and I holding hands as we walk and no real thought about why, where are we going, what’s for dinner, do I have gas in the car, what are the kids doing? Nope, just a walk, clear headed, smiling at each other and enjoying whatever pops into view. How do I get there? Will I ever get there? Yada yada yada. For one day only, to have an IQ of sixty, worrisome things are for those that run things. Not me, I am just existing!! I wish, now I have to go check emails and see if I have any responses to the things set in motion. Freedom of the mind will have to wait and I need to look up night time body armor for Jen. I wonder what that will cost?