Searching for Yourself Takes a Lifetime: What’s in Between is Life

Aren’t we on the constant search of who we are? We are in a constant struggle to achieve some goal only obtainable by ourselves. The fear of failure and taking a road with less challenges is probably the lane most of us choose. I hate to fail and I have always said that I win, I always win. But, in reality, what I really have done all my life is choose what I knew I could be successful at. But that is just the career aspect of one’s life. There are infinite possibilities of what makes up our lifetime.

I’ve been a constant study of what others do. It amazes me what accomplishments are achieved by those just simply due to a sense of adventure. Climbing mountains, speed skiing, Olympic champions, risk takers and shakers, and those that choose to make sure others are happy before themselves. Admiration I have for others, but what do I admire about myself?

I’ve always had the innate ability to have friends. Usually, these become lifelong friends that first I admire, but more importantly they don’t judge. That’s not to say we haven’t had disagreements or a difference of opinion, but it was always with respect. Friendships are a huge part of what makes me, me. Family is a bigger part, but somehow many of my friends feel like family over time. Friends were the ones that I could talk to about anything and everything. I even have one friend that helped me accept Jesus into my life and reaffirm my faith. I’ve drank beer and cruised all over Kremmling CO, underage and doing exactly what I prayed my own kids wouldn’t do. I tried pot for the first time with friends and when I said I didn’t care to do it again, they understood and no pressure was ever added. Friendships at work, childhood, and now in retirement have added to the enrichment of my life. In a sense, they have been a compass in life. I can’t imagine not having friends, but I understand there are those that have no friends and live a recluse life. I feel sad for them, even if it was their own choosing, I still feel they are missing out on an enriching part of life.

Since I already mentioned family, it is impossible to talk about my life without talking about family. I’ve been engaged three times and married twice. I have three kids from my first wife and two that have come into my life and have enriched my life beyond limits. To watch all five kids accept each other as siblings, made me feel so good and have provided purpose for us all. Marriages have been challenging for me. I feel third time is a charm and I feel more in tune with her than any other love I chose to pursue. Not one to feel you fall in love, I do feel lucky that I have found love and chose to allow them into the weaker parts of my being. What I mean by that is that we allow them to see the inner most you. That part of you that you mask for everyone else. You might even say they are aware of what makes you the weakest. Beyond that, there are people that certainly fit into being both friend and family. My wife and my dad may occupy most of me, but my friendship that has grown with my kids make up the rest. Cousins I would do anything for and can ask most anything of, hold a special place in my heart. My sister and our first cousins are a treasured inner circle. I’m down to only one aunt and uncle as all others have passed. My life would not be the same without them.

The stuff that makes me what I am. My own derived sense of being. I love craft beer and when we travel, finding brewpubs and enjoying offerings help to make each and every trip a success and memorable. Western books, lifestyle, and the dream of being a cowboy has always been special since reading my first Louis L’Amour book. Knives and guns have been a part of that ideology and although I’m not a professional at either, none the less, I have an affinity for them both. I love to read although I never seem to have the time to enjoy doing so. I complain about Jen reading all the time, but it is born out of jealousy that she has figured out how to make it a priority. I love to work with my hands. I could have been a craftsman or tradesman in another life. As I near my shop being completed, I am eager to take on some restoration projects. Just the fact of finishing off the inside of the garage and shop will be so fulfilling and enriching to me. Drinking good coffee and more so enjoying it with someone in conversation is warming inside to me, figuratively and literally. Even though there is probably nothing more than my own knowing, what I’ve been learning from dad about his life makes me feel somehow complete. I get the same feeling when I learn more about Jen. How I feel about politics, humor, ignorance, brilliance are all things that seem to creep into my thoughts on a daily basis. Things I want to write about are challenge at times to find, but easy to say has I stumble onto what is important enough to write about. I laugh that I probably have only three routine readers with the occasional person stumbling onto my website, I still feel a need to write. It is probably the one thing in retirement that has come to the forefront. I’ve written a book about myself, the ultimate expression about me. Somehow though, it feels feels very narcissistic to share with others. But it did feel good doing it. I’ve written two children’s books with many more titles already conceived. I want to complete them all and I do want to publish them. One could say that I feel writing is my second career if a career could be made up of never making money at it.

Things that give me a sense of accomplishment such as tiling, house trim work, repairing something to fulfill a creative side of me. I made a living for almost forty years at repairing electronics equipment or directing others to do so. Keeping thousands of people safe as they travel to see family, work meetings, adventure, or for their own love of flying gave me a pride in myself and fulfillment that I was a benefit to mankind. Using my chainsaw, hell any saw, feels good and connects me with my people from the past. I’ve had farmers, ag teachers, car servicemen, bee keepers, fishermen, hunters, tradesmen, craftsmen, and countless others that also worked with their hands. I know I must have inherited a little from them all. Hunting and fishing have always been passions, but not something I have been consistent at. If I had a 2023 New Years resolution, it would be to do more in my shop and to get back to fishing and hunting. I love photography, yet I am far from being a professional at. I have learned that if you take enough photos, you will capture something quite unique and inspiring. Jen and I take a trip this year where we get to test our skills on wildlife in South Africa. If I come away with a couple handfuls of keeper photos, I will be satisfied, even more so, if Jen captures those moments she is more than capable to get on film, I will be just as happy. The things that constantly revolve in my head of not only things I want to accomplish, but those things I wished I could push myself to do are what make up me. I don’t grasp how people push themselves beyond the thought they have? It has been a mystery to me, but I’m sure for some it is the easiest thing to do. For me, it might be the hardest. Maybe it goes back to the failure thing. I don’t have time to fail, I just want to be happy and accomplished within myself. If someone else thinks I’m accomplished, it is just icing on the cake. I don’t live for praise, but I am human and enjoy it as much as anyone else.

Watching life come into this world, the miracle of the moment of birth and the glory to watch the discovery on a daily basis of new things they can do. A smile on a baby is one of the most perfect things we can see and feel. If there was something I could identify as a miracle, this would be it. Seeing yourself in a child is strange, but is also a completion of one’s self. It is like your legacy lives on in part due to them having a part of you and it is displayed from time to time. Watching my grandchildren and not only sensing, but actually knowing they are miles ahead of where you were at the same age. I have always told my kids there is nothing out of their reach if they truly want it. I don’t think I have ever seen them hold themselves back, but maybe others in their immediate world have. Not bad, as long as they never lose sight of the fact that they could. It is fun to contemplate the possibilities of achievement. A president, lawyer, doctor, writer, teacher, researcher, scientist, etc. It is boundless of what could be as long as they discover a desire on their own. I have discovered that when you project yourself of what would be best for them, confusion exists and uncertainty grows. One should always live life on their own terms, not what someone else drives them to be. I see this in some very close family members that can’t just let their child be themself. I felt I did some of this early on in my kids life, but at some point I realized it would be more satisfying to watch them grow on their own. In doing so, my life somehow became better and had less regrets due to my contributions.

I have lived a good life. Filled with happiness and sadness, accomplishment and regret. I still wish I could jump the hurdles of my own mind and find myself in a dream realized. I can you know. Nothing is ever in my way except myself. So many ideas, so many dreams, so much of me to still set the world on fire. A lifetime of life revealed to myself and lived for my own growth and satisfaction.