Life After a Scary Moment

Several months ago, I started experiencing problems in breathing. My worst nightmare had come to life and I was scared for the first time since I was a little kid and thought something would get me from under the bed. I have always been a pretty low key person and most thought nothing ever really bothered me and was the attribute that gave me an edge in moments of mild stress. I was calm in the middle of the hurricane. But not now, full blown anxiety to the extreme that I wouldn’t lay down. I was hyperventilating, heart racing, chest hurting and tight, imaginary crap all over my body. I was envisioning the spot on my right lung had somehow grown a hundred times it’s size and cancer was what I was going to hear from the doc. I go in the bedroom and sit on the edge with my CPAP pumping air but still not getting any to absorb via my lungs. I’m going to die!!! Then I would finally fall asleep sitting up in my chair and all would be good until I tried to lay down again. Then the cycle would start over again.

I make no bones about me having done this to myself. I smoked for almost 30 years knowing that someday I would have to pay the price for my stupidity. I had gained weight, my muscles ache routinely, and if I walk carrying something, I can’t take a breath and my heart is pounding. When we went to the mountains, it was like a light switch had been flipped. One day I was taking eight mile hikes and the next I was gasping for air walking from the front desk to our room. What was causing such a rapid decline in my ability to breath. COPD triggered? Asthma? Maybe a combination of both. Jen was getting taro card readings that some major change was going to happen in her life and I know she was getting stressed as well. We never really talked about it because I suspect we were avoiding the conversation of possibilities.

My doctor had put me on a mild asthma prevention drug, but we had never really discussed anything specific. I went to an allergy specialist that also dealt with asthma, but he just increased my meds for acid reflux. These all were having some minor success, but inevitably the same anxiety night would occur and I would be scared again and wonder if this was the end. I have too much to do for this shit to be happening. Then I would basically stop doing everything and somehow things would get better. Not good, just a little better and then the weirdest thing happened. My shoulder locked up from some nerve pinch and arthritis issue. I finally went to the doctor a week later and he put me on a steroid. Damned if that wasn’t the answer. All of sudden I could breath again, energy was back, hell I was out moving mounds of dirt the cement guys had left piled up.

I contacted the doctor and she gave me an inhaler with steroids. I have to tell you, this was like a miracle. I’m breathing deeply, not coughing when I do, and running around doing projects all over both houses. A month goes by with me improving daily and then we come to California and come up to Big Bear to spend Christmas in the mountains. Beautiful place, a great house to stay in and then I’m reminded I’m not one hundred percent. We went into town, parked, and walked a few blocks on a slight downhill. Was getting a burning feel in my lungs, the old chest twinges and a few other signs that my breathing just wasn’t what it needed to be. I didn’t say anything to anybody, and I took off on my own headed for the car to sit and recover before everyone else got there. I’m sure Jen knew exactly what I was doing. This could be in some part due to living at sea level and coming up to seven thousand feet, but for me it’s different than what I’ve experienced in the past. My world has changed slightly and I’m not good with it. I’ve always been one inspired from my own inabilities. Others could say shit to me all day long, but I have to make up my mind to do for myself.

I’m still breathing better than months ago, but I have a ways to go. I have a goal and that is to be ready for our photo safari this coming fall. Come hell or high water, I will be ready and I will feel better. I’ve been scared into change. I’m way too fucking young for this crap!! Don’t smoke folks! If I could ever leave a message behind that would be meaningful, it is that. I don’t need prayers or sympathy, this is all my own doing and mine to correct! If people know me, they know one thing, I don’t like to lose! Life is about to get kicked in the butt!!