The Road I’m On

I’m 61 years old and I still haven’t figured out this road I’m on. I’ve come to so many crossroads, forks, and Y’s and if I was to have had a road map, I might have to admit that I’m just as lost and haven’t gotten to where I started so many years ago. When did this road begin? I think each of us have a different point in our life that we really thought about what it was that we wanted to be, where it was to take us, and what mountain we’d be sitting on when we got to the end of the road. The end of road can mean many things as well. That point in which we stop searching and accept this is it. Nothing will ever be new again and I am what I am and I have achieved. The rest of time to that point is the journey.

Achieved…what is it that I have achieved? Was I meaningful to myself? Have I honored my dream? Have I given up on what could have been to settle for what is? Questions we ask ourselves all of the time. Those questions that keep us moving down the road. Well, most of us keep asking those questions, but for some, those questions become impossibilities and they give up their dreams and the road became a dead end. Thankfully, I’ve never hit the dead end. I have gotten to the end of the pavement and two ruts took off for some unknown, but the road continued. Thank goodness.

As I said, I’m still on the road and have no idea where it is taking me. So many memories, so many times I fought hard not to take a turn, but was forced to make the change of course anyway. For a few years, I had to travel the road by myself. I had my kids and that gave me purpose, but the path was me alone as they were required to travel it with me. I’m sure the road was rocky and they were more lost than I was, but we did stick together and came back to pavement soon enough. At that point, I was again travelling the road with someone else. But even when we get to share our road with someone else, that road is mine as much as their road is singularly theirs. But, when someone is in the passenger seat, the purpose of the trip can be more defined.

In my mind, my road seems to be like a merry-go-round and at other times it is a roller coaster. In both cases, it might be best to throw your hands in the air and scream at the top of your lungs! That might be the right thing to do, but what we usually do is withdraw into the back corner and hope life keeps moving forward while we aren’t in control. Some recognize this and ask for help. They are the brave ones even though society looks at them as the broken ones. But the reality is, they are the ones that have taken control of themselves and are moving forward with a healthy look forward. The rest of us, use our bravado and our pointing fingers to deflect that we are the ones in trouble and don’t know enough to even ask for help. I’m as guilty as anyone about turning inward and battling my demons alone.

At this point, my demons are at bay. I no longer am feeling that I’m fooling everyone around me into thinking I know more than I do. I’m comfortable with me and knowing that my dad and mom are proud of who I became and they know and knew that I was equally proud of them being my parent and my example in life. For many years, even into adulthood, they chauffeured me down my road. I hope there will be a time that my own kids have that moment along their road where they get to thank those that supported and share the meaning of what we meant to their journey and discover what they were to ours.

My road has been filled with Schwinn bikes and baseball cards. Sometimes the cards were clipped onto the bike fluttering and I felt freer than any other time in my life. Baseball, football, and the other sports that gave me the understanding of the team. Church with my dad or with my mom that taught me to be humble and thankful to the man, or woman, upstairs. My friendship with a boy in high school that others shunned because they never gave him a chance. One of the inwardly proudest times in my life that made me look at the world through a different set of lenses and realize it is ok to trust in what is different. I thought I knew what I wanted to do only to take a detour and go serve our country. Although I’m proud to have served my country, it isn’t why I served. Serving and the meaning changed for me when as I chose family, not my country, as my main reason for the military. Even today, as someone says “thank you for your service”, I immediately think of my family and then country. I’ve had two loves. One that ended and set me on a detour that led to my second. One can look at past relationships and dwell on making the one gone the cause to catch all blame for the bumps. I see this in people around me all the time. What I really feel is I know I loved someone once and our roads split. No blame, it helped to make me who I am to my second love. There is no blame in that, only appreciation. With the second opportunity, brought the knowledge that I still had more heart for more kids in my life. A lifetime of work for the government and a feeling that I was in over my head, but was really guiding the vehicle down a road of accomplishment.

I now am retired and looking for direction down another road unknown. I’m exploring writing. I wrote about myself which consisted of about 140 pages to tell my story. I don’t know whether to think of myself as a stunning success or a failure in disguise, never truly reaching my full potential. But even with that thought, maybe my potential is just around the corner and my dream of something meaningful is just ahead. My newest passion is a series of books for kids. Simple, like me, but with a message, also like me. This might be it, something I can finally put all my energy into and to truly be mine. Will my legacy be what I leave for kids? I don’t know for sure; it will certainly take a series of things falling into place, doors opening, and me taking the right road when the intersections come.

I’m still in search of myself, my purpose and what it is that will be left behind for a legacy of who I touched in my many roads taken in this life. At this point, the travelling is slower and I have more time to look, touch, breath in, and enjoy all around me. Best of all is that my journey continues and I get to explore possibilities to discover anything, everything, and myself.